There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
