my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm both gender and math confused
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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