i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
