I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
this hospital has no fireball
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
