Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
