I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
