Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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