I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
