And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
