The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
