So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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