awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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