His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
As shirtless as possible
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
