i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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