You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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