guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
