I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
