If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
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