Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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