there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
now i know why i became what i already was.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
50% drunk capacity currently
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
