Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
