I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
