I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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