im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
