do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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