12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
