he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
