Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
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