I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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