but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's shark week go big or go home
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
