I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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