Is it normal to miss your booty call?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
