The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
