There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She just used a chaser for red wine.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
