You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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