fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
FUCK WHALES
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
