Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
