mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
