Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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