so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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