she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
