I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
