Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
