Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
