Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
