Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
