apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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