Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
