I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
