i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Randomize
